I just want to hold you

One of the works in the show I’m dancing in uses Ed Sheeran’s Give Me Love as its music. The concept of the dance doesn’t exactly mirror the lyrics of the song, so it didn’t hit me till tonight’s show what it was about. The thing about mourning is it’s just so heavy and unbearable that sometimes you want to just feel something else. Anything else. Go completely out of the mourning and be happy for a change.

I have been working so hard at being happy. These days have been easier because I’m dancing in a show, and dancing has been my drugs (context: Courtney Love). But I’m not really happy, not completely, not the way I used to be. And sometimes I just really wish I was. Because being sad really sucks.

So although I was having an awesome post-performance high, by the time they were dancing to Give Me Love, I was sitting in the wings, feeling very lost.

Before the show, Poh Gee asked us all to say our own little prayer in a moment of silence. Back home, I would be appointed prayer leader during green room, to my siblings’ chagrin as I’m not very religious. (But I do compose a great pre-show prayer.) I liked how, in this country of plural races and plural religions, we were given a moment of silence instead of a communal prayer. Instead of praying (like I said, I wasn’t that religious), I asked Mikah to watch me dance. It was something like a prayer, after all.

I have a new mantra, though. It’s from the same song, but I’m not singing the rest of it. “Give a little time for me to turn this around.” Don’t give me love, yet. Not just yet.

It may take a while. But I’ll get there.

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