500 Happy Mikah Days

It is quite understandable that May 2014 would prove to be the absolute worst month in my life, and although my family and friends have been really great through this really difficult time, I still wake up feeling lost and still find myself bursting into tears on the street. You know those 5 stages of death? Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? I have found that you really go through those stages, literally. I keep striving for acceptance, but mid May was a lot of anger, and most of the time it was depression. Bargaining came early (please be alive, please be alive, please be like Sherlock or be in a witness protection program, I am willing for you to never speak to me again as long as you’re alive and safe…)

Denial, well, this is strange. Since a month has passed, and I live in a place where I have no memories of Mikah, it is so easy for me to forget that he is dead. So, I go about my business and I’m actually happy, and then something reminds me that Mikah is forever gone, and I receive this news as if hearing it for the first time, and I’m in shock. When that happens, I think it’s worse than being generally depressed. It sometimes feels like drowning. It’s gotten so bad that I had to force myself to say aloud when I wake up, “Good morning, Joelle. Mikah is dead. And you will live.”

Being very angry at him and the fact that he was dead was very difficult. Any anger is difficult, and lord knows, I can be such an angry person. I think I’m over that hurdle, though it did last a good couple of weeks. I know I still have every right to be angry, but what good will it do?

So I’ve decided to start a project: 500 happy days of me and Mikah. We were together for 9 and a half years, and 100 happy days doesn’t quite cover even half of it. But 1000 is too many for such a project, and 500 ensures that I can remember the best of those 9 and a half years.

I was inspired to do this after some people I’m friends with on FB were mocking the 100 happy days thing that other people were doing. Normally, I’d be rolling my eyes over the meme, too, but I can understand why some people are doing it, and I feel like I need to be doing it myself. I dare them to try to mock me.

During the angry period, I was also so angry at myself because I thought my hashtag #onlyhappymemories was a big lie. I forget that #onlyhappymemories means I choose to remember only those memories. Because they are very happy. And they’re what I need to survive this.

So, this is day 1.

http://badgoodgirl.livejournal.com/5676.html

Literally Day 1, this links to the very first time I ever communicated with Mikah ever. As some of you may know, we met on LJ. Seriously. We have a lot of common friends and I think he somehow drifted over to my blog via friends of ours and started to read me, then commented on this post on Bourne Identity, wherein I talk about two other men I was interested in. And I replied. Then added him on my friends list because he was, during that time, writing interesting blog entries as well. And then I fell in love (he claims to have fallen in love with me later on, not quite yet, then). And then we met.

That’s how it began. It’s been wonderful since, and understandable why losing him is THIS BAD.

But yeah, day 1. The way we talk, it’s as if we’ve known each other for a lifetime.

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