Happy Days

I woke up today as sluggish as a slug (a phrase I picked up from Mikah). I attribute it to dancing yesterday. I try to give myself a barre as much as possible (actually, I cheat and just do a barre until rond de jambes) but it’s no way the same as daily ballet class. Yesterday, I also did adagio (diiiiieee) and grand battements (to hell with frappes haha) and then ran the Sugar Plum Fairy variation from the Nutcracker, which I’m to do in January for my family’s school recital.

In the middle of the variation, I was already about to collapse onto the floor and surrender (those sissonnes to releves on attitude are a killer apparently), but pushed through it because Bilqis was watching. Hahaha, such vanity! She was in the studio to teach me general parts of Mandala, a piece we’re performing for a festival in a few weeks, and as she did, I felt my body saying, “Hey, why are you still moving? Let’s call it a day.”

So now, I’m feeling sluggly (a Joelle word, as Mikah liked playing with words and I had to contribute to this game of his every now and then) but it’s a happy sluggly. I completed the Sugar Plum Fairy variation without dying after not dancing it for several years, after not having regular ballet class since I arrived in KL. More than that, I danced yesterday, and realized how much dancing I will still be doing in the coming months. When I moved here, I thought my dance career was over. Happy to be mistaken.

Yesterday was a day of epic proportions. A review I wrote about the Wifi Body Festival’s New Choreographers competition got shared 12 times on Facebook, with people who don’t know me commenting about how they were able to better appreciate some of the pieces after reading my viewpoint. Bilqis and I were talking about why we bother to write reviews, and who are they for (given something major that happened to her recently) and I said I write them for myself, because I want to. That other people read it is a plus. Yesterday was like people handing me several pluses, so much so that if I were convertible to electricity, I would light up the whole of PJ.

Lunch with a colleague also somewhat validated what I wanted to do with my PhD (apparently academic lunches consist of Hello, How are you, What is your research?). And forcing me to finish my proposal already, hello Joelle.

I had several digital conversations yesterday that were quite eye-opening. Some very nice, some rather disturbing. One in between. In the middle of everything happening yesterday, I’m still bothered by that one. But as Bilqis said, would you rather be frustrated about that or bored out of your mind without anything to be frustrated over? Hahaha, I love Bilqis, she always sees the silver lining.

I still check up on my former future mother in law (yes, I will call her that for the rest of my life) and of course, she is still devastated. She said something about not wanting to look at pictures of Mikah and think of happy memories because it makes her sadder that he is gone. Sometimes, I wonder if I look at her timeline to remind myself of Mikah, and that I should be grieving him. I started blogging about Mikah and our happy memories but they would make me confront the unhappy memories and all the things he did wrong and can never make right, so I stopped and pushed him from my mind altogether. I admit it’s rather cold, but if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t blame me.

My Mamia being in the ICU this week with pneumonia has forced me to think about Mikah a lot, as I may have to deal with loss again. Not angry things. Sad things, like how I will never see him again. But also how he probably sees me now. How he would laugh at me because somebody commented that the grammar on my article made them cringe (“Well, you know you should proofread that shit first.”). How he must be touching my bloated belly and saying, “Hello, Bloat! Long time no see. Glad you’re doing a good job of covering up Joelle’s abs!” How he must hate this boy I have become enamoured with, probably because he is nothing like him, although he would have hated him anyway. How, after I completed the Sugar Plum Fairy variation yesterday, he would have said to me, “See?! See?!”

Mamia is recovering, though still in the ICU, to ensure that she doesn’t relapse. Mom and Lucas and Erica and Tita Carina would message me about her progress all day yesterday, which added to how awesome yesterday was. Mom said she’s tough, and I’ve known this about my grandmother: she’s a fighter. Something I inherited from her, I am proud to announce. Something that has been comforting me all this week.

So yes, I love my life. It’s not perfect, but there are so many things to be grateful for. And now, I must hie off to my boring meeting…

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