I just want to hold you

One of the works in the show I’m dancing in uses Ed Sheeran’s Give Me Love as its music. The concept of the dance doesn’t exactly mirror the lyrics of the song, so it didn’t hit me till tonight’s show what it was about. The thing about mourning is it’s just so heavy and unbearable that sometimes you want to just feel something else. Anything else. Go completely out of the mourning and be happy for a change.

I have been working so hard at being happy. These days have been easier because I’m dancing in a show, and dancing has been my drugs (context: Courtney Love). But I’m not really happy, not completely, not the way I used to be. And sometimes I just really wish I was. Because being sad really sucks.

So although I was having an awesome post-performance high, by the time they were dancing to Give Me Love, I was sitting in the wings, feeling very lost.

Before the show, Poh Gee asked us all to say our own little prayer in a moment of silence. Back home, I would be appointed prayer leader during green room, to my siblings’ chagrin as I’m not very religious. (But I do compose a great pre-show prayer.) I liked how, in this country of plural races and plural religions, we were given a moment of silence instead of a communal prayer. Instead of praying (like I said, I wasn’t that religious), I asked Mikah to watch me dance. It was something like a prayer, after all.

I have a new mantra, though. It’s from the same song, but I’m not singing the rest of it. “Give a little time for me to turn this around.” Don’t give me love, yet. Not just yet.

It may take a while. But I’ll get there.

MOMOL music

My friend Yvette tweeted today saying how it’s work and soup weather for her while it’s most likely MOMOL to sad songs weather to others. I kinda laughed at the MOMOL to sad songs weather and she pointed out you can’t exactly MOMOL to happy songs.

So it got me thinking about songs to MOMOL to, and I’m drawing a blank. Well, except this one time, though I didn’t want to count it because it wasn’t make out-make out lang (which is what MOMOL means, in case you didn’t know); there was something else going on, and I guess I came up for air to remember Incubus’ “I Miss You” playing in the background (don’t judge me for that because a. It wasn’t my music player or house, b. I was young and the guy I was with even younger, and c. There are obviously other, bigger sins that happened that night that you should judge me for, trust me).

So there’s that realization now that I don’t hear music when I kiss someone. This somewhat blows the mind because every hollywood kiss has to be accompanied by swelling strings. The kiss in Romeo and Juliet’s balcony scene cannot be rechoreographed otherwise – it will always be a passionate kiss at that moment.

I’m starting to like the idea though that maybe a kiss is so powerful that it makes its own music.  At least, it should.

Underneath you, all sorts of emotion as this blue horizon calls…

For the last 11 days, I’ve been doing this meme on Facebook and Twitter called The 21 Day #MayOPM Challange. Each day, they put up a theme and people post their OPM songs on their timelines and/or newsfeed. I’m not very on the dot with the updating, sometimes I’m tooooo busy; sometimes, I have a hard time finding the perfect OPM song that fits that day’s theme. I always want it to be phenomenal.

Today’s theme is Badtrip – a song you listen to when you’ve had a bad day. The funny thing about this is, I HAD AN AWESOMELY BAD DAY TODAY. Well, some good things happened, but you know how the good usually outweighs the bad at the end of the day? Well, that didn’t happen today. On the way home, I felt so sorry for myself, I felt like crying.

This meme reminded me that when I used to feel bad about anything, I would play Wolfgang. And, strangely enough, be healed. I don’t know, I think it’s the soaring guitars and assault of drums and Basti’s growls, and not even the angry lyrics aggravate how I feel. A song they cover adequately describes how I think it works – in Crosby, Stills & Nash’s Southern Cross, there’s a line that goes: “I’ve got my ship, and all my flags are flying/ She is all that I have left, and music is her name…”

A lot of Wolfgang’s music makes me feel this way – Very Free, Cathedral of Space, 24, Heaven Spent, Center of the Sun, Change, but I could only choose one song, which is As Oceans. Specifically because the song is about empowering yourself, despite your place in this world. (I think). And still pushing on.

Anyway, this song made me feel better. Tomorrow will be a better day.